the nature of Love

I don't claim to know everything about Love. On the contrary. It's that one thing in life that keeps revealing itself to me most often. However, I've come to a better understanding of the nature of Love. 

Clearly, words aren't eloquent enough for Love. Yet, it is the only means that I am able to speak of this innermost presence. Once, I had a penchant for words. I used to read the dictionary. Now, I see the role words play, but dismiss their importance. So don't bother too much about the words that I am about to use.




Love. It has brought me my greatest joys, pleasures along with suffering and pain.


It uplifted me to heights I had not traveled, and to the depths I never knew darkness could ever be so dark.


Love fed me fullest, and it purged me.


Where there was love, there was to be fear.
Inseparable.


It merely depended on which was being fed attention.


When and where the scales tipped, the over feeding took place.


My understanding of Love was upside down though it appeared normal.
That was the key reason why it had brought me pain.
Understanding happens in the mind.


It was crucial to my well being that I got to know my mind.

Seemingly an intense deep person, labels that I've most often heard people describe me, I realised I couldn't and wouldn't be able to find the answers by simply talking to people. They were right, they were shallow, living on the surface of life, holding on, pretending that these hard hitting experiences were not their experiences with life.


So, I sought help by reading. All sorts of books. Some where I divulged in a few sittings only to reach the end, and think, what utter nonsense! Others, I took forever to finish. A few still unfinished, barely touched.


I became a seeker of the truth that lives within me. Friends have asked me, what spurred this, when did this happen? I have no recall of the exact sequence of events. But I do know, that they were at 'keypoints' of my life. When I was at the lowest. Who seeks help when they are happy? We're too busy living and going after our dreams. We're very pre-occupied with life. We believe this is what being productive means, living life to the fullest. We believe this is what life is about.


When do we have time to honor Love in everyday living?


Mostly we don't. Not until Love leaves.


I found everything I understand today from the intimate relationships I've had and from listening, reading, reflecting, questioning, being alone, keeping still, and every other thing that I am not even aware of but I know they surely played their part in getting me where I am today, within.


Of all the areas of my life, Love was the stumbling block.
The one I most stumbled on. Honestly, this is putting it mildly. It would be closer to the truth if I said, I am a survivor of death. They say, if it isn't your time to go, you won't. It's the only reason why I am still alive. Divine intervention.


A million little pieces in darkness.


The blessing I received was to decide to make the walk home within each time I groped the earth in my best effort to stand up. Instead of seeking means of escaping the pain, I sat with it in darkness. Literally in darkness as well.


It was to be the best decision I made each time.


Knocking on the door of heaven or hell unbeknownst to me, I saw my self.
The mirror was hanging at the door.
But I didn't recognise what I saw.
She was beautiful.
It was unlike all the mirrors that I had seen myself through.

Like a nutcracker breaking a shell, it came down on me with heavy gentle hammering.
I did this hammering. Layers and layers of crap, beliefs, conditioning, fear, doubt, pain and a sum of nonsense that lived in my mind which I had believed to be who I was. There's still some nonsense left. I know. I still see traces of it spewing up from time to time.

Now, I've reached the seed.

I.

The struggle ends even when the nonsense is brewing 'cos now I am aware it is nonsense even while it is happening. I have called its bluff many times.


And so Love is revealed as something totally different.

Like a blind person seeing for the first time.


' There is no other 'accomplishment' in life other than to come to know Love. Everything else shall be revealed as false. To know Love as it is really is, is to be have mastered the mind. One needs to be willing to give up everything they seemingly know. It takes courage to give up everything cos what lies beyond is unknown, and we are mostly fearful when they are no guarantees. But I did it. I had nothing to lose. I knew I couldn't be worse off. When I disowned my mind, it started to serve me better. Now, when I say silence, it shuts up. All positive self talk is welcomed. Everything else is discarded most of the times as rubbish.

I realised that there was a big gap between when I understood things and when I started to live from this understanding. It was what took the longest to reach.


Today, there is no way that I shall turn back. 






Love, I know her.


Sometimes she is still frighteningly beautiful but only because I acknowledge that she is deep and vast, unlike before I was frightened for not knowing and recognising her, only the other. Today, I recognise both.


We are  like stardust. 
Specks of particles flying in the air dancing to a song I recognise yet it's different.
You and I,
we become one in this meeting.

Love that overwhelming feeling of beingness, the presence of nothingness.
It is overwhelming.
It encompasses everything.


We are love, we know this.
We acknowledge this.
We are identical.

As we dance together, 
we know we are home.


We are one. 




I. 


Always.
Forever. '




x

Love, and Silence

He said, tell me something.
She replied, I miss you like there's no tomorrow.


He said, this is crazy. How is it possible to miss someone when you're with them?
She simply kept quiet. She understood exactly what he was feeling.


They gazed at each other for hours, mostly in silence.
And they communicated their feelings for each other this way.
It was effortless.



She couldn't tell if the longer she looked at him, she was getting to know the depths of her soul or was it his. She could no longer tell the difference.


Once, she was told, when you meet this person, you shall know. There would be no denying and doubt. You'd know.



And so she knew.


' This must be how the deaf speak to each other. In the land of silence, a deep river with a strong current flows through them moving back and forth. They didn't have the words to describe what was taking place within them. They simply knew it. They recognised this was unlike any other. With each breath they took, the other breathed. They were living in each other now. '


Silence. No other means of communication is comparable when you stand in front of each other. No words can express the depths of what we are feeling better than silence.



She said, I love you.
He kept quiet and simply kept looking at her.

In that silence was his answer.



x

I owe who I am to her.

She has been my loyal friend for so many years.
She speaks to me in an encrypted language
my heart understands so well.
She lifts me up.
She knows what these tears are all about.
She has kept me inspired,

she's held my hand,

when there was no one there.

She gives me strength when I lack it.

She shows me the sky,
and she tells me, I can soar high.

She is so magnificent.
She’s like a shooting star amidst the darkness.
Fireworks.
The rainbow after the rain.
She's tender and gentle,

strong and willful.
She is Love. Fire. Passion. Peace.
She is everything.

I honor her everyday by listening to her.

and then silently,
I whisper to her
may you live forever.

She has been a priceless gift to me.

She has given me my life.





She is Trance music.

x
 

 

 

Freedom, and Love

Oh Freedom, I love you.

 

I always have.

I saw you always, somewhere in the distant.

I saw you in the clouds that moved effortlessly,

the birds that took a thousand flights seemingly

without thinking yet knowing.

I saw you in the majestic mountains which simply stood still,

regardless of what came their way.

And you the rivers. I saw freedom in you too.

Carving rocks out of your existence,

just by being you.

How I wanted this for the longest time.

Freedom, I longed for it.

Until I woke up from the dream of reality.

To realise I had always been free.

I innocently held myself captive. Caged.

There were times, I felt I held the key

that would set me free, yet I hadn't a clue how to use it.

They were starting to rust in my palms.

There were other times, I didn't even know I held them.

But worst of all, I never believed I was held captive.

I believed this was what life was about.

Throwing you challenges, despair and pain, and life waited to see how you rose

after falling over and over again.

But since discovering the biggest gift I have so far been presented,

I see how ridiculous all that was.

My mind was the culprit that set the stage for how I was to play all the roles that I did.

And I played my role incredibly well - miserably.

When people talk about happiness, I wonder if they really know what it is.

I'm curious to understand what their idea of happiness is.

For like all feelings, happiness is fleeting.

No one can be happy all the time.

That's another false illusion, another great pretense we try and sell to the world.

Just like no two people can be in love all the time.

Things come and go, impermanence is in everything, yet this is where the beauty lies in impermanence. Change happens. And for many who are awake, these changes bring them to a greater awareness, an acceptance, that things also do change for the better.

That two people can fall even more madly in love with each other, when just the nite before, they were sleeping at the edges of their side of the bed.

We go, hahahaha during chat when we're not even smiling.

And for some of us who tend to appear more 'serious' we are actually the ones who are content.

So we're perfected the art of pretending, and hiding our feelings.

But there's a reason for this - ignorance.

Or perhaps not wanting to find the truth as it reveals all the lies that we have accumulated and believed of ourselves.

I haven't stopped writing about the mind because it set me free.

It gave me freedom.

Everyone knows it, that freedom is a state of the mind, and that freedom is within you, but how many are actually living from this place?

We all talk about peace, but when we're faced with a cashier who is rather slow or an oblivious driver 'hindering' us, we start calling them names. We start swearing. People make jokes all the time about how smart they are when they are sarcastic. But really, are they?

Where is the maliciousness coming from, the self centredness, the one who believes they are better than the other?

The mind.

No one changes their train of thought, no one questions what they have been doing wrong until something hard hits them. Until they have fallen. And even then, sometimes, we blame someone else for causing this. It seems like we are perfect beings but others, well they are so filled with flaws and lacking. What a delusional way to live.

The mind.

You are in the cage that you built yourself.

You walked in there without anyone asking you to.

But you weren't aware that you did.

Now, you really don't even need a key to get yourself out.

The door is open.

But you don't know this.

You believe you are free while you are caged.

 

As Rumi said, you have been knocking from the inside for someone to open the door.

My life has totally changed since seeing, realising, admitting how my own mind had caused me most of the unnnecessary pain, and since working to free my self from my mind by watching how it works, I have met freedom. It's not like everyday is a fantastic day. But even on those days that I do feel mellow, I just let myself be. I don't question it. I don't look for someone, something to blame for this mellowness. Most of the times that I have practiced this, I wake up the next day, not even knowing what was wrong yesterday. A brand new day arrives to greet me.

That freedom that I had been looking for in many forms was all along alive.
It was me. I am that. 

Reading and understanding what this is about is easy. But if you are using the same mind who has set you up, you will miss the biggest part to this. You won't be able to truly understand the real truth of these words.

The reason is simple.

You hold on to it thinking that your mind is you.

You reason what you read with this mind.

Your mind has a role to play.

You are the master of it.

Not the other way around.

We can't even love freely. We're always afraid to express. Hiding behind the masks that we wear before we walk out the door. Suddenly, we have this self confidence.

Our masks is yet again our minds deceiving us into thinking all sorts of crap.

When it wants to brings us up, it does.

And when it wants you to feel worthless, it does so too.

As long as you stick up for it,

you serve it like a slave serves its master.

Funny thing is you believe you are the master.

You are free, already.

You shall never know this, if you have not questioned your own thinking.

Many of us sleep with the enemy without knowing it.

Ourselves.

You are not who you believe yourself to be.

You are not your silly beliefs.

You have been conditioned since the day you were born, and simply acknowledging this doesn't amount to anything. Infact you are worse off now since the ignorant behave the way they do because they don't know any better.

But you do.

So, what are you doing about it?

Thinking more thoughts?

With that mind?

People struggle, do not trust, do not believe, are afraid to love,

because they live from their minds.

Your mind is greedy. It is always seeking. Always wanting. 

And it has conditions, lots of conditions.

It says it loves, but it betrays you.

Stay centred. Always come from Love even when the self badgering talk begins.

The mind has never wanted you to find out about it's manipulative ways.

It has always wanted you to serve it.

Wake up from this dream.

Love shall always save the day.

Because you are Love.

We are all the same.

Love never has and never will see differences.

It is the false self that sees all that.

And you, are that false self.

Until you 

wake up.

You shall never find something that isn't lost.

The only 'thing' that has never been lost,

is your real self.

That is the real journey home.

That is where freedom, love, peace and all that you have wanted lives.

Within.

You need no effort to continue this search.

You are already all that you are searching for.

Isn't that wonderful?******************************

x

 

Love, really?

people need and want love for different reasons.
some of us, need to feel and be loved.
others, need to express it.

expressing it to one's self isn't enough.
like when you cook yourself a nice meal, or when you treat yourself by going to buy that nice dress or gadget that you've been eyeing for some time, or buying yourself a bunch of flowers.....they're all acts of self love, celebrating yourself, your existence.

however, this is a big however,
for everyone who claims that loving one's self is important, and one doesn't need anyone else if one truly loves themselves, well that's the biggest lie one could deceive themselves into believing. and many do buy into that deceit.

you can sit all day with yourself and spend every waking hour doing whatever brings you peace and joy.........but imagine this,
if no one told you that they loved you.
no one remembered you.
no one calls you to speak to you, simply to ask you how you're doing.
no text messages received.
you ate all your meals alone.
you had no one to share your feelings and thoughts with.
you receive no hugs.
and when you're ill, you've got to crawl to the meds yourself.


the list goes on.

and so it is the biggest lie out there that one simply has to love themselves and that's enough.

everyone needs someone.
everyone needs love, to keep them going. not the love that lives in them, but the chance to express the love that lives in them.

[ this is my opinion and i'm writing this on my blog which i created, so for everyone who disagrees with me, please save your thoughts about what you feel.
don't get me wrong and i don't mean to offend anyone but often i receive lectures on how i should see things. that's quite strange cos i dont go around telling people how they should think, so i'll appreciate some space here to express myself. ] thank you. x


Kahlil Gibran said, a life without Love is like a tree without blossoms.

I don't think if that tree didn't love itself it could have grown into a tree.
But we all need love from another in order for us to flourish.
We have no idea what flowers we are able to bear without feeling and expressing love.


However, love waits for no one.
It appears out of nowhere.
We claim that we want it, we need it,
but we're afraid to love. Many of us are.
Sometimes we delude ourselves and call it love,
then a week later it's disappeared.

So what is love?

Why is it so elusive?
Why does it come with so many conditions,
when it's so simple and pure.
What are we looking for in another in order for us to feel that it is love?

It has nothing to do with love.


It has everything to do with us.



We all like to believe we know ourselves.
But this is yet another illusion.


We don't.
Our best chance to get to know our real selves is through the one
we love.
They show us who we really are.
And they're not all beautiful.
We then question their love for us, cos we now know
that we are flawed. We don't trust them for loving us the way we are, some parts broken.
We're also full of fear.
Love brings this out - fear. Especially when we love deeply.
We're afraid that they won't love us, that one day they'll leave us.
So we hold back, we build walls, we give all sort of nonsensical excuses why we can't love.
And as a result, we hurt greatly because we knew we loved them.
We just didn't want to get hurt, so we turned our backs on love.
Our memories appear in full force and we project it onto the love that stands infront of us.
We say we are open to fall in love, to give ourselves completely.
But really, is this the truth?




Love waits for no one.



The same Love never comes again.


It never does.


We just learn to make do.


And we call it Love.


x

Wildfire

A fire never starts on its own.
It isn't able to.
While it appears that fires can simply flare up,
certain conditions are already in place,
not obvious to the eye,
but it is there.
Like in the case of wildfires.


No one started the fire.

But it happened.


What started out as playfulness,

curiousity, perhaps a little mischief and
flirtatousness,
resulted in two people
falling in love, over and over again,
when the other wasn't looking.

Much of the laughter subsided after a short time,
and we just looked at each other.
I never knew what went on in his mind,
in those deep silences,
but I knew how he felt.
I saw it in his eyes.
He was gorgeous.
Breathtakingly gorgeous.


He was fire.



I knew he was afraid of being totally consumed.
By the Fire.
We would burn, turn into dust, and
finally vanish,
we would become one.
But he was afraid, that he would lose me.
I was afraid that I would lose myself in him.

So we stayed away
from each other.

It's safer this way, I guess.


A fire never knows of its full potential.
It doesn't recognise its beauty.
It simply is being itself, and that's
partly where its beauty lies.
It engulfs, occupies, surrounds.
It consumes effortlessly.
Moving so fast, you could swear that it
knew what it was doing.

You can't blame a fire for all the pain and devastation that it causes.
'Cos a fire can't start without something else.
Air.

When air moves at full speed,
her name changes to wind.


She blows, creating sparks, that
become explosions after starting a fire.
She moves so fast, she too isn't aware of her beauty.

She is who fire depends on for his survival.



She doesn't need fire to be the wind,

she needs him to show her how capable she is.


No one approaches a fire knowingly.
It's the heat that entices.

No one can catch the wind.
It's elusive.




We stayed away from each other.
And it was painful.

We had burned ourselves alive this time.

 

x

I loved him like tomorrow,

 

i loved him like there was no tomorrow.


it must have frightened him
as much as it did me.
it was all too familiar
i was scared of its depths.

he said i was
deep, intense, passionate and explosive.
he was right.

love is like fire.
the more i breathed,
the bigger the fire grew.
there was no escaping it.


i didn't know how to love him
from a shallow place threading on
waters that i could not feel my soul.
i only knew how to dive deep.



i fell in love with him each time i saw him.
but he didn't know this.
he only knew of his feelings.


we don't always love with the same intensity.
we love the way we know how.
sometimes, we do not know how to express what we truly feel.
other times, we are scared to.



no one plans on falling in love.
it just happens.
not all love stories end like they were fairytales.
some haunt you even when you are asleep.




i loved him like there was no tomorrow.



tomorrow it
never came.

x

I remember... more than I am able to express.

Skin

It takes courage to love Love. I don't know of any other act that is more courageous than loving someone. Not that falling in love on 1st sight kind of Love, but a love which grows quietly, and then you fall in love. What do you do then? Remain silent? Express it and know that the other perhaps might not feel the same, or the other still wants to be silent about how they feel?

To love Love takes courage cos it leaves you exposed, like you're missing your skin.
And it takes time for skin to grow.

Sometimes,
it feels like it takes a whole lifetime.

x